"Intervention" or "The Anonymous Frotteur"

Shh. Shh. Everyone be quiet. Do you hear that, is that someone on the steps? Yeah, it is. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Here he comes, that’s his keys. Shh. Shh.

Surprise!

No, no. This isn’t supposed to be a surprise. Well, it is supposed to be a surprise, but it’s not like a party or anything. No, sit down Merman. Sit. Yeah, forget about getting settled, somebody will get your coat, somebody will get you a glass of water. Yes, go.

Now then, Merman. We’re gathered here to.

Is that a new rug? No? How come I’ve never noticed that before?

Ahem. Now we’re gathered here to.

Where did you get that lamp? Really, how much? Do you think they’ve still got it in stock? How long ago did you get it?

Ahem. AHEM. Focus, people. Ahem. Merman. We’re gathered here because we all love you very much and because we care about you and we think you have a very serious problem.

No, sit down, you’re not going anywhere. Everybody please just stay seated.

Yes, we’re well aware of your uh compulsion, Merman. We’ve seen the way you look at strangers on buses, on the metro, on the street. Many of us have been on the receiving end of your rubbings and gropings and frictions. Oh yes, we’ve noticed. And we know it was you. Yeah, that’s right. We’ve narrowed it down. By process of elimination, Merman. And also because none of us remembers it ever happening at any of those get togethers that you weren’t invited to or that you didn’t show up to.

You, sir are a Frotteur. Yep, we looked it up. It’s right there on the internet. Let me just look at what I jotted down here. Ahem. “yadda yadda specific paraphawhatsit which involves the nonconsensual rubbing against another person to achieve sexual arousal.” Yeah, that’s you all over.

Merman we love you very much but we don’t love you quite enough to have you rubbing all up against us all the time and we think you need to go seek hel—

“It wasn’t me.”

What’s that? Don’t be stupid, don’t be contradictory we know it was you. This is an intervention, sir.

“No, I’m serious. But I have felt somebody rubbing against me at some of our get togethers too. Once or twice.”

No you haven’t.

“Yes. Yes I have. How exactly did you guys ‘Narrow it down’ to just me?”

Well we all. Well we all started talking and we narrowed it down. Yeah, and we purposefully got together and didn’t invite you one night to see what happened and sure enough, nobody was going around being all frotteury.

“But if you all talked about it with everyone else but me, how do you know that it’s not just one of you all being a liar?”

Uh.

“I mean, maybe whoever it was just stopped rubbing against people and grabbing their junk because they knew you all would be watching and they wanted to frame me instead.”

That’s just stupid now. We’ve narrowed it down.

“Whose idea was all this, anyway? Who organized it, who got you all together? I bet that’s who it was.”

Well Larry was the one who stole the spare key from your nightstand that one night. But look, he’s not even here he had to be somewhere else?

“Okay okay who were the first two to discuss it, to put forth this idea of a half-assed intervention?”

I don’t know, haven’t we all been talking about this for a while? Was it you Ted? No, I think it might have been Jessie. Hey no, it wasn’t me. What are we doing, are we pointing fingers here? Hey, all be right back I’ve got to take a piss. Hey Merman, do you have anything to eat around here? I think maybe you’re right, it was Jessie. Like some chips and dip or like some crackers and cheese or olives or I don’t know, anything? Hey wasn’t it Jim who was complaining to Charlynne about that New Years gig? Alright, shut up everyone, somebody just grabbed my ass.