Mr. Table’s Demise

by Xochitl M. Perales

After the lamp industry collapsed, only Mr. Table’s Fine Edible Lamps managed to turn a profit, and even that was short-lived. The obvious reason for their brief rather than long foray into post-collapse profitability had less to do with the razor-sharp lime green or hot pink tassels hanging down the edges of the umbrella-shaped velveteen shades sitting atop every single one of Mr. Table’s Fine Edible Lamps, and more to do with the looming extinction of electricity from Planet Earth once the space travelers from Planet Yamfrost introduced a previously unheard of light and energy source stemming from the saliva of white-faced capuchins, but only those less than a year-and-one-month old. This saliva-based light and energy source spawned an innovative movement, called the “new and improved lamp industry,” whose main promotion of itself declared slogans such as, “Out with the old lame lamp designs, and in with the new super cool and modern ones.”

The travesty of this scenario, in the opinion of most non-Earthlings, is that humans could not completely let go of their dependence on electricity and fossil fuels when they discovered renewable and solar energy sources on their own, because there were too many trillions to be made in the oil and coal industries. This is why Yamfrostians finally felt it incumbent upon themselves to visit Earth, to put a stop to, or at least severely curb, the human tendency of wreaking environmental havoc on their own planet, because this in turn affected Earth’s solar system, which also affected other solar systems and galaxies and so on and so forth, in a great big domino or ricocheting effect with consequences of gargantuan proportions.

Even now, humans still retain a certain dependency, however minimal, on electricity and fossil fuels in a number of sectors, although not nearly as much as before the first Yamfrostian landing. But at least humans have finally managed to entirely relinquish their use of all variety of old lame lamps, last of all Mr. Table’s Fine Edible Lamps, even if the demise of old lame lamp production had more to do with a loss of profitability in the old lame lamp industry and subsequent dwindling on the supply end, than a lack of demand due to human concern for planetary, solar systemic, galactic and farther-reaching environmental degradation. For this reason, Yamfrostians had a habit of shaking their heads in frustrated perplexity any time the words “Earth,” “Earthlings,” or “those really dumb beings on that planet whose name I don’t feel like naming” were mentioned.

More than a few parents could breathe a huge sigh of relief over the final curtain call of Mr. Table’s Fine Edible Lamps, because there were far too many cases of overly curious toddlers cutting themselves on the razor-sharp tassels hanging off of the lamp shades while visiting the home of a childless friend, neighbor or relative. In one particularly notorious case, a little boy (age three) believed that he was in the presence of a lamp with strings of apple-flavored (because they were the lime green tassels) candy dangling off of the lampshade’s rim. (To give the boy credit, he had seen the commercials proclaiming these lamps to be “edible” lamps. But he did not pay attention to the warning at the end: “Although these are, indeed, edible lamps, only the top 1/3 of the lampshades are, in fact, edible. And please do not touch the tassels, for they are razor-sharp and can cause extreme bodily harm.”) The boy first grabbed a handful of these supposed apple-flavored candy strings, screamed in pain when they sliced his hands, then, in order to comfort himself, he shoved the strands into his mouth. Subsequently, he spent months in the hospital undergoing relentless hand and mouth surgeries.

Mr. Table himself did not concern himself with the dangers that his Fine Edible Lamps posed, even to children, for he did issue a warning at the end of his commercials, after all. However, he did fall into a deep state of depression when it was finally time to close down all of his factories down. So bad was his depression that his remaining family members (remaining not because they were the only ones alive, but because they were the only ones who could stand to be around him, given his nasty disposition) wondered if he would attempt to kill himself. And, to everyone’s great mortification and satisfaction, he eventually did. Kill himself, that is. By overdosing on white-faced capuchin saliva, ironically enough.