an interview with Ruminavi the sloth

(from Exercise #10)

JUAN climbs up a tree in the humid Peruvian Amazon. RUMINAVI, a young brown-throated sloth with a brownish-gray coat, hangs from a branch. His legs are wrapped around it. Juan assumes a laid-back posture by sitting with his back against the tree, his legs crossed beneath him like the secret patchouli-scented hippie he is.

JUAN
Hey Ruminavi! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.

RUMINAVI
That’s not true. You haven’t really invented me yet.

JUAN
That’s true. Hmm, you haven’t even said any dialogue yet, since you’re, since we’re still in that outline/notes stage. (pause) Which is why I’m here. I’m not going to dab us up in letters, then words, until this summer, but I want to make sure I’ve got a really good sense of who you are before I make you be.

RUMINAVI
Oh, okay. I think I get it.

JUAN
Cool! So…let’s start off with some basics I should know about you. What do sloths like you like to eat?

Ruminavi giggles.

RUMINAVI
Oh sheesh, you really should know that!

JUAN
I know, I know! That's why I'm asking!

RUMINAVI
Well, I like leaves, soft twigs, and buds…especially when they’re new and pretty and bright green. And, since I’m a three-toed sloth, I really like to eat from cecropia trees and lianas. We’re pickier than the two-toed ones.

JUAN
Uh huh. I see. Umm, besides your, you know, (pointing to his crotch) pee-pee, how can you tell if a sloth is a girl or a boy?

RUMINAVI
Well, girls make different sounds, especially when they want some company. But boys like me have a patch of white or orange fur with a stripe on it between our shoulders. That’s how I can tell when I see other sloths hanging or crawling around.

JUAN
Not that I need to know, but do you have a girlfriend yet?

Ruminavi slowly puts his claws over his mouth before giving a laugh.

RUMINAVI
No! Uncle says I’m not ready yet. He says girls like my Aunt Sofia are a pain in the butt. She says the same thing about him. We’re sloths so we like to be alone. Sometimes it’s nice to eat together, especially when Uncle Antonio is telling jokes about anacondas or harpy eagles!

JUAN
Right. I remember you said you were surprised we got along so well when we traveled together…and I thought the same thing!

RUMINAVI
Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself? That hasn’t happened yet.

JUAN
Oh right, right. I forgot. Heh heh! Anyhoo…tell me more about you. Picture yourself doodling a drawing of me and you, walking through a jungle or through a town like Iquitos together, with you wrapped around my neck, hanging on my back. It’s going to be a story about us but mostly about you, so what should people know about you so they won’t throw the book away and say, “Geez, that was boring!”?

Ruminavi slowly moves a free arm to scratch his chin with his long claws.

RUMINAVI
Well…umm…I’m still a kid. I was born far, far away in Brasil. My mom and dad got killed by a jaguar when they went to take a poop together, but now I live here by Iquitos, thanks to you. I’m glad I’m here since I have my aunt and uncle, though we don’t hang (his legs wrapped around the branch, his long arms slowly stretching out) out much. I’m happy to be here because I’m scared of harpies and jaguars, so we look out for each other.

Juan smiles.

JUAN
Well I’m glad you’re happier here.

RUMINAVI
Oh! Oh! You should know I move really, really slow.

JUAN
I know.

RUMINAVI
Yeah, really slow! But I like it. Sometimes, after I eat a lot, I’ll sleep like fifteen hours in a day.

JUAN
Wow!

RUMINAVI
I don’t know how people like you can live in such a rush. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Some lady scientist explained to me once that I have nerves, and muscles, and that they work a lot slower than most other animals.

JUAN
You were built to chill, Ruminavi. Like the jungle’s Lebowski.

RUMINAVI
What’s a lebowski?

JUAN
Oh, it’s this guy. He’s really mellow, like you.

RUMINAVI
Oh…umm…oh! I take a poop like once a week. I always go down to the jungle floor to do that since it can be rude and messy if I do it up from the trees.

Juan laughs at the thought of a slop of turd, falling right on his head.

RUMINAVI
I can swim pretty well but I can’t walk or stand on my legs.

JUAN
I didn’t know you could swim!

RUMINAVI
I really like it. Sometimes I get some damn algae and stupid ticks in my fur. It’s the best way to get rid of them. The moths that live in my fur are okay. It gets cold for them, too. I have a moth friend named Hector who likes to hum some songs at night. I really like him.

JUAN
That’s neat, but where did you learn to say “damn” young man!

RUMINAVI
From uncle. Hector taught me “pussy”, which is what you Americans like to call girls’ privates and cats, too.

JUAN
Oh my goodness! I like Hector already!

RUMINAVI
Hee hee! I like calling the jaguars “big smelly pussies”!