The Rubies (shat from the dogs bottom)

Isaac Smith
Ex.#11
Inserted into “The Emerald” (bottom of p.415) by Donald Barthelme


Soapbox gave the dog a new name.
What?
Bloodclot.
Is that Italian?
Could be, probably Old English or Latin. Between The Foot and Bloodclot, Soapbox will have an optimal security force. A real gutmasher.
What are the dogs talents? Frisbee? Dry leg humping? Taking a dump while on the run?
Yes. And finding mass reserves of human milk and butter.
Human milk! How much will the dog charge for his services?
No charge. The dog is independently wealthy.
Independently wealthy!
He shat out a couple choice rubies a few years back.
Wow!
He traded one for a small village near the ocean, people and everything, renamed the village- Butter and Milk. The other ruby he split into two pieces. Bought a life supply of canned peaches with one half and had the other half surgically inserted into his heart, right next to his aortic valve.
Why?
Case he gets himself in a situation.
A situation?
A situation that involves a quick exit.
I’m curious. In a morbid sense. How did the dog know he had shat two choice rubies? I may have shat two myself and never had the slightest inkling of what I’d lost. Yes?
Yes. Wanda the Wandering Welsh. She found the rubies. She has a knack for these kinds of things. She’s like a dowser. People with pets hire her all the time but the owners have to do the actual digging.
The digging?
Shifting through the...deposit.
Deposit? Oh, Yes. Right. Wow! Only pets? Not humans.
Doesn’t usually happen in humans.
I really need to get a dog. One with rubies growing inside his innards.
Along with a fast car, a big mansion, and a hot wife.
Ha! Ha! And a cure for my twitching eye and my shabby knee. It swells whenever I lust after inanimate objects, like mossy rocks and plaster of paris gnomes.
That’s a real shame.
Is the dog smart?
Let’s see. Here he comes now. Okay Bloodclot. Yawn for yes and lift your leg for no. Do you understand?
Yawn.
Have you ever been in love?
Yawn.
Another dog?
He lifted his leg! Amazing! Wow!
Are there anymore rubies in your innards?
Lift.
Would you eat an innocent child’s face off if it meant world peace?
Yawn.
Would you trade your good fortune for a pair of thumbs?
Lift.
If a wizard appeared suddenly and said he could make you pregnant would you do it?
Yawn.
You want puppies?
Yawn.
What about adopting?
Lift.
There are many fine puppies in South America and Africa. Even China.
Lift.
He’s pissed on my leg. But wait...one more question. I’m wondering who you were in love with but I can’t think of how to ask it in a yes or no way.
I was in love with Vandermaster.
He speaks!
He speaks!
Vandermaster! The is a Greek Tragedy. Truly.
Who cares about the Emerald in comparison.
The tragic tragic irony.
Yes.